Realizations, Re-learnings, and Reflections

1. I’m content where I am, in a place of growing, exploring, and learning. I attended a bridal shower for a Fuller sister, whom we affectionately call “Judah,” and afterwards we hung out in a more relaxed, post-shower setting chatting about weddings, venues, budgets, relocations, marriage, etc. Suddenly I felt grateful to not have to worry about those things (i.e. details, big decisions, and lots and lots of number crunching) in this season. I know my time will come, but I am totally glad it is not now. I have so many other things on my mind at the moment…

2. It’s a daily/nightly battle (and struggle, but in the best sort of way – it leaves me weary at times, but this weariness tenderizes my heart and spirit towards the Lord, yay!) to get up in the morning and go to bed at night. But here’s a helpful re-learning point: from Joyce ^_^

http://www.joycemeyer.org/Articles/Devotional.aspx?utm_source=Facebook&utm_campaign=DailyDevotional&utm_medium=post&utm_term=August24&utm_content=post

3. It takes time to move and to move on, whatever that means for each person in each situation. I received a letter today and smiled, sighed, and thanked G-d throughout, and I re-realized that things take time… and each person has her/his own pace… and that is good, though hopefully we all land on the same page in the “end.” 

 

All in all, today, though a bit tired and weary from everything, I am grateful, for every part of my life…

…surtout vous~

My immediate reply: “Merci beaucoup, mon ami. Ça va, je t’aime!”

 

 

Advertisements

Finally…

In the last 24 hours, I’ve blazed through paperwork, information gathering, and phone calls to complete:

– Application for apartment (we’ll hear back by next Friday, when we go in to sign the lease!!!)

– Application to Consolidate Loans & go under ICR (https://loanconsolidation.ed.gov/AppEntry/apply-online/appindex.jsp & http://www.finaid.org/loans/icr.phtml)
**ICR instead of IBR because I hope to have a stable, full-time job someday and not always have financial hardship; also, ICR is more flexible than IBR, especially for us singles who hope to marry and file joint taxes w/our partners someday! 

– Application to Defer Loans (for Economic Hardship & then Americorps – https://www.dl.ed.gov/borrower/DefermentFormList.do?cmd=initializeContext)

 

Thank you Lord! heart

 

In T-3 days, FloodLA (last year’s video – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkhJjpCxTC8) begins. 96 hours of seeking G-d and loving on 300 Korean American youth & young adults from Los Angeles @ The Oaks (http://www.theoakscamp.org/facilities/rooms.php

I’m preparing 3 workshops on relationships (“Girl Talk: High Schoolers only), quiet time (“Daily Bread”), and Missions (“Mission Control”), hopefully I’ll only have to do two, though. 

Please pray I don’t lose hope, focus, and my voice!

Why I read Joyce Meyers everyday

Walk in Love

by Joyce Meyer – posted July 29, 2011

And walk in love, [esteeming and delighting in one another] as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a slain offering and sacrifice to God [for you, so that it became] a sweet fragrance.
—Ephesians 5:2

Jesus said, “If anyone intends to come after Me, let him deny himself [forget, ignore, disown, and lose sight of himself and his own interests] and take up his cross, and [joining Me as a disciple and siding with My party] follow with Me [continually, cleaving steadfastly to Me] (Mark 8:34, emphasis mine).

Living a disciplined life means laying aside personal feelings, deciphering which choice is most important in God’s eyes, and then allowing that choice to take preeminence over the others. As Jesus laid down His life for you, He is asking you to lay down your interests for His greater cause.


From the book Starting Your Day Right by Joyce Meyer. Copyright © 2003 by Joyce Meyer. Published by Warner Faith. All rights reserved.

 

 

…cuz she’s awesome! 

To love…

…one must be willing to take a risk and invest one’s heart.

It takes courage and faith to love, and it takes real strength to love well, especially after you’ve loved and lost before.

 

Just some thoughts after watching “Under the Tuscan Sun” – what a lovely film & story. I want to go to Italy!

 

Perhaps it is in loving that we find ourselves, and perhaps we are most ourselves when we are in love…and who we choose to love says a lot about our self as well…

 

A song “I Give Myself Away” reminds me that I’m called to love the Lord and to love His people with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength. 

 

So I take a risk and invest my heart into Yeshua, into my family, into my community, into my church…

 

***In other news: we put down a deposit for a unit in The Lennox and Marseille today! Hopefully this is it – I’m so tired of searching for a home. 

 

And, here’s my schedule for the next couple weeks!

August 1-4 FloodLA || August 6 Celebrate turning 28 w/my familia || August 7-10 Packing & moving (fingers crossed) to our new apartment || August 11-14 SWLA Youth Retreat || August 29-Sept 1 Tech Mission Corps training in Chicago || Sept 1-2 Hopefully swing by Columbus Ohio to see Kim & a House of Prayer || Sept 6-10 IHOP-KC w/mom for Children’s Ministry conference (it’s her bday gift to me) || Sept 12-16 S.A.Y. Yes! Training || Sept 19 – ? IT ALL BEGINS!!!!

 

Wow. I sure do get around! Please pray I don’t go crazy…

 

…je manque votre baiser.

S.A.D.

After saying “goodbye,” or more exactly, “connect/talk with you soon” with someone dear to my heart, I’m quite sad in my heart, but thankfully I’m still feeling functional and somewhat balanced…for the most part. I have my moments (especially after leaving church w/post-ministry fatigue & feeling the empty after having poured myself out) when I feel the sadness and longing to reach out more acutely, but as my dear friend said, I am “in the arms of Jesus,” and though I wish Jesus had physical arms I could presently feel/touch, it’s true and I believe it. It’s what keeps me going.

I woke up feeling a bit anxious this morning and I feel a sadness (normal for Monday morning/afternoons as I begin my Sabbath/rest/recovery day) that I feel is partly related to the recent separation. And I randomly googled Separation Anxiety as I know it’s something some children struggle with; I’ve seen it only once with one of our first grade students at church, and it was at once adorable and sad – makes a person want to reach out and embrace the one who’s feeling so scared when mama’s only gonna be two doors down for just an hour!

Anyhow, here it is. 

 

The DSM-IV criteria for diagnosing Separation Anxiety Disorder (when the separation anxiety is out of hand and affecting normal living and relating):

“Developmentally inappropriate and excessive anxiety concerning separation from home or from those to whom the individual is attached, as evidenced by three (or more) of the following: 

  1. Recurrent excessive distress when separation from home or major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated. 
  2. Persistent and excessive worry about losing, or about possible harm befalling, major attachment figures. 
  3. Persistent and excessive worry that an untoward event will lead to separation from a major attachment figure(e.g.; getting lost or being kidnapped). 
  4. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to school or elsewhere because fear of separation.  
  5. Persistent and excessively fearful or reluctant to be alone or without major attachment figures at home or without significant adults in other settings. 
  6. Persistent reluctance or refusal to go to sleep without being near a major attachment figure or to sleep away from home. 
  7. Repeated nightmares involving the theme of separation. 
  8. Repeated complaints of physical symptoms (such as headaches, stomach aches, nausea, or vomiting) when separation from major attachment figures occurs or is anticipated.”

 

Haha, being the “charismaniac” I am, it sounds like demons tormenting someone who’s just very sensitive and probably traumatized by early life events, if there aren’t also generational curses that cause unhealthy attachments. But as I also have an “objective” side, I’d say that SAD is a rather sad disorder to have, just mentally/emotionally speaking, indeed. 

Inner healing perspectives would observe that there was a lie or false belief introduced/suggested by some traumatic event that wounded said (or SAD, lol, excuse my punning) individual, and that in order to find healing and freedom from anxiety and emotional/mental pain, one would need to go back to the original event that triggered the disorder and bring emotional healing to the memory, then “correct” the misleading thought(s) that lead to the thought patterns that cause distress, worry, fear, and general psychological pain. 

 

All this reflection and observation is prompted by my slight feelings of anxiety post-farewell, because I think of people who have been through such pain and trauma that a goodbye like this could be extremely detrimental to their everyday life for longer than a few weeks and months… poor things 😦 

When I share thoughts like these with friends, they ask, “Why didn’t you study psychology, Hannah? You’d be good at helping people with these kinds of struggles.” The thing about me though, is that I didn’t want to study psychology in part because people seem to spend so much time diagnosing and treating (the symptoms instead of going to the root cause) and less time and energy on truly bringing about healing and freedom. To boot, a significant part of me hates psychological drugs because people come to think of them as the “cure” when they are only a painkiller – they’re very addictive and easy to depend on for too long! I know, because I went through it. Don’t want to offend anyone, but these are my honest feelings.

You gotta do what you gotta do, it’s true. But what you have to do will change from time to time, you know? And there’s just a point where we gotta get up and toughen up, or we’ll never reach our full and true potentials.

 

So anyhow, I’m just processing b/c I feel a bit sad and anxious today, and this is helping me get my thoughts/feelings out. Truth be told, I’ve been tempted to drink my blues away, and am still tempted to go get some herbal remedies for depression (I have used them before, wanting to avoid anti-depressants at almost all costs) because I know it’d be the quick and easy way of dealing with it. But you know what? The best way will always be: basic self-care. Eat right, exercise, get sufficient rest, tend to my spiritual, emotional, social well-being, and keep on living the abundant life that was bought for me at the highest cost. 

Really, when’s the last time a deity, an immortal who chose mortality just for love, died to purchase you something?
Try reading this and this  

Makes me not want to waste my life. What about you?

(Not that being sad wastes our life, but giving in to what can come w/unnecessarily prolonged sadness – fear, anxiety, distress, despair, etc. can certainly be.)

 

Well, for today and for a couple more today’s (okay, maybe many more), I’ll be a bit sad, even allow the feelings of anxiety to remain on the surface for a time, but I don’t want to stay here in this place of being sad for too long. Besides the fact that life is too precious to waste moping around too long, but because that would miss the whole point of saying goodbye – we released each other out of love, obedience, and honestly a desire to see the other person have the BEST that G-d desires for her/him. AND…I wanna get ready for the “hello again!” so it can be a most joyful event 🙂 

I REJECT FEAR AND I CHOOSE HOPE!

And His and his love has given me the courage, power, and strength to do so.

I ❤ you KC!

Two quotes.

“After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… That you really are strong. And that you really do have worth. ==> People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.”

 

“Without opposing winds, a kite cannot fly.”