…for the world to change? Or for my heart to come alive just enough to…?
So, I have this bad habit of putting off things that really matter to me…it’s like I keep taking care of the little, superficial things that I know in the long run aren’t really that important, but maybe it’s that I keep doing these little things because I’m not quite ready to do the big, important things that appear to require (or maybe I want to give it) my full attention, and a good amount of heart/energy in doing it well. Unfortunately, this putting off of things that are actually priorities to me (internally) results in my life being ruled by “the tyranny of the urgent,” the small things that could/should be taken care of right now and quickly.
I started reflecting on this as I saw the number of “MUST REPLY” e-mails piling up in my inbox (e-mail and facebook! and don’t even mention voicemails – I check those about 1-2 a week, if that) and the number of thank you cards, wedding cards, and general replies piling up in my files…sigh~
There’s one person who in particular I feel bad for because I know this person’s patiently waiting for me to respond and to follow-up, so if you’re out there reading this – I am so sorry to keep you! I know you understand but I still want to apologize if I’ve made you feel rejected or ignored or forgotten because of my lack of speedy response.
People have been asking me lately, “So, how are you doing?” and I actually stop to think about it these days…I know I’m doing well, but I guess I’ve been so active and busy just settling in and transitioning (physically, mentally, socially – it’s harder to be “active” emotionally or even “spiritually”) that I have to stop and think about it in order to give an authentic answer. My answer has been, “…good…really good, actually,” and I do mean it, but I like to take the moment to reflect, while I can.
I’m in that part of the transition into a new life where I’m so busy doing that the being is found in the getting from place to place and stopping to breathe, reflect, and enjoy myself while I’m going and when I’m there. I haven’t allowed myself to sit still too long in the mornings because I find it a bit lonely waking up to an empty apartment (it just hasn’t been the norm for the past 4+ years), and I get a list of to do’s that usually involves getting me out of the house.
In some ways I’ve just been nesting for the past two weeks – I’ve brought some organization, color, life, creativity, and structure into our home in the ways that I know how and also in new ways such as gardening (in containers on our balcony, including a terrarium of cacti & succulents from glass vases we’ve collected from past weddings; since we live in the city, it’s technically called “urban gardening,” hehe…), crafting (I made my own pillow cover today for my bed! Sadly, I didn’t actually save any money compared to purchasing it at Ross or Walmart, but at least I have a small sense of accomplishment and I had a lot of fun!), and cooking for lunch and dinner. I’ve also started entertaining friends who are willing to trek out here or friends who live in the city and don’t work in the daytime…that’s always been life-giving and fun for me 🙂
We’re not meeting any neighbors yet, but I have made acquaintances with some of our building’s maintenance guys and some local clerks and cashiers at stores I’ve been frequenting. I’ve been told that baking cookies & sitting around outside is the way to go…but then again, I don’t live in that kind of building 😛 Our “community” is sort of self-sufficient and a bit more well off than the surrounding communities since we live in a “luxury apartment” in Historic Filipinotown at the edge of Koreatown. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try 😉
I’m learning a lot about life and how to live WELL in the little ways. And not just in general, but specifically for me, Hannah. I know I’m not anyone’s average sort of person, and I’ve come to accept and embrace it, now I’m learning to really love, enjoy, and maximize it. I’ve been learning to put my potential to use, hehe… now consistency and stamina are two goals of mine.
Anyway, all to say… my relationships are extremely important to me, but at the moment I’m very busy cultivating my inner life, my family life, and my home life… and hopefully at some point (soon), I’ll be able to start reconnecting and reaching out more regularly outside of my immediate community (people who live w/in a 10-15 mile radius) and getting back in touch with the wonderful folks who’ve loved and helped sustain me thus far.
But five people I do want to take steps towards before I start Americorps: KC, H Choi, L Orvis, H Snow, and Uncle Buzz. Cool fact: After KC, the other four are all over 35 years old! How blessed am I?
Coming soon: My “total” makeover ^_^ In the rest of 2011, I wanna get in better shape, which will be an uphill battle since it’s a tad bit harder in the urban context to stay focused on health & well-being! But it’ll be more important than ever before, because “mission life,” here I come!!!