Day 25 of 40

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It’s a little over the halfway point of this fast, and I have to say… it’s been one craSy (as my bf LS likes to say, “it’s crazy with an S – craSy!”) and intense journey into the interior of Hannah Lee. I knew deep down that I was one spectacular hot mess most of the time, yet somehow (miraculously) loved, accepted, and chosen by God.. but this has been a re-encounter of that messiness in a whole new way. I’m always amazed at the people who’ve stuck by my side when it’s most chaotic around and inside me, and I find myself constantly thanking God for His presence and blessings.

One fruit of this fast has been that I’ve become acutely aware of my attachments and defense & coping mechanisms, as well as the sweetness of bringing my needs (and neediness) before the Lord. Jesus is SO willing to take it all on.. the Last Supper, the Gethsemane Garden betrayal, the Abuse before the Council, the Walk up to Golgotha, and Cross and the Crucifixion have all taken on a new dimension of feeling, thought, and experience.. the Word of God has become ALIVE and POWERFUL in a heightened way, and though it’s overwhelming at times (to the point I have to stop reading and just sit there and be fully present w/the meanings & implications of the text), I hope it stays this way…

“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Hebrew 4:12)

I love that my relationship w/God is growing in intimacy & depth through Word, Worship, Sabbath, and Fellowship w/other believers…

And, I’m also improving in my cooking skills! To date, I’ve baked: Eggplant, Brussel Sprouts (LS got me a bag from Costco <3) Spaghetti Squash, & Acorn Squash. Never thought I’d be cooking and eating those vegetables! Next on the menu is: Kale, Butternut Squash, and homemade Hummus.

Overall – Daniel Fast? It’s been CRAY sometimes, but mostly, I’ve loved the fruit, literally and figuratively.

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*Note: Celebrating “Jubilee” on Sundays and eating/drinking normally has been helpful for being sustainable 😉 I may try for another Daniel Fast at some point with Sundays included, but for now, it’s been a grace! Very helpful socially, too b/c there’s been a birthday party w/non-vegetarian/vegan food EVERY Sunday so far! Lol..

Day 18 of 40

Dreams. Visions. They can both be filled with fantastical & terrifying creatures, strange and often incoherent events, and more often than not, some subtle (or sometimes glaringly obvious) grains of truth disguised as symbols which can illuminate or bring revelation to a cloudy or foggy situation.

It’s good to pay attention to dreams and the meanings of their symbols because most of the time, our subconscious mind or psyche is trying to communicate something important to us by bringing it to the surface in a way that’s “safer” than a simple realization in waking life. My dreams as of late have been very revelatory and sometimes disturbing, but always truth-filled and helpful. White cats, double rainbows, and missing keys being recent symbols, it’s guided me to seek God, the giver of dreams, in a more specific way.

Visions are like waking dreams, using symbols and circumstances that don’t seem to make sense in real life, but often carry deeper truth and wider perspective than the illusions and appearances we see in “reality.”

Ezekiel was 30 (my age!) when his visions from God and ministry began to warn Israel of impending judgement for their wicked ways. The creatures he saw were something out of a science fiction novel! The four double-winged, 4-faced man-creatures with wheels covered in eyes.. my fav sci-fi writers Madeline L’engle & Anne McCaffrey were probably inspired by these descriptions when they wrote their fantastical pieces.

I love the way REAL LIFE (in the Spirt) is often more colorful, meaningful, and truthful than the physical “real”-ity than we usually inhabit on a day to day basis. There’s so much to be seen, experienced, tasted, and learned…

So here’s to dreams and visions, in the pursuit of truth, beauty, and Jesus!

Day 14 of 40

It’s been two weeks, and I’m finally hitting a more organic stride.. the first two weeks were emotional and spiritual upheaval, my goodness! Poor LS bore the brunt of it, and my blessed and beloved RCL & ESL (and my new roomie NC & our sista JCT) held me steady through prayer, listening, advising, and just being girlfriends & sisters. Thank the Lord for His mercy, grace, and compassion on me!

I’ve been re-learning things about myself and about my relationships. The first week was adjusting and fighting the initial “kicking and screaming” from the flesh that I felt as I denied myself certain foods and drinks, and the second week was my flesh being weak and adjusting, while still being passive aggressive with me (hehe, yes, I’ve given my flesh its own personality..), but my spirit was feeling stronger, more awake, and more active – I pray this third week is my spirit strengthening and standing up, able and ready to begin ruling over my flesh (my soul).

I borrowed a great book from CL (this fellow ENFP sista is amaaazing!) about praying spiritually, and teaching my spirit to rule over my soul (they use flesh and soul interchangeably). I’ll have to type out some of the notes here later tonight or sometime this weekend, but it is a paradigm shift that I’ve been needing and wanting!

So… I’ve been learning that I’m a highly emotional creature, I need alone time to recharge, relax, and refresh (even though I’m a VERY social and outgoing extrovert who can quickly befriend strangers with the ease that people breathe air), and I’m very, very sensitive and impressionable. I don’t think any of those are particularly “good” or “bad,” but I have been working through accepting these aspects of myself that I wasn’t so aware of before.

Self-awareness and mindfulness are important. Especially for me (ENFP, sanguine, Type-A, ADHD temperament).

Also, because I’m always thinking about three billion thoughts at once, it’s tough to remain focused and organized when I’m in new or stimulating environments. It’s good for me to be home for at least half a day for 1-2 days a week, maybe necessary for my overall health, esp this fasting season. I’ve been praying in the car and as I walk, but I think it’d be better if I just sat (or knelt or stood or laid down) and prayed in silence and stillness without a packed schedule all the time. Working on that…

Fellowship with God requires the same investment of time, energy, and space that fellowship w/other brothers & sisters does. I need to be intentional about honoring the Lord with that.

I’ve been talking about, researching, thinking about, writing about, and praying about love for a long time now, maybe two decades. Seriously. Ten year old Hannah Lee was sitting and reading books by James Dobson when her parents were arguing and fighting at home a lot, considering separation or divorce. I’ve been on a lifelong quest to understand, seek, create, foster, and share love.. I am supremely blessed to continue growing in relationship and journeying with others who share the same quest in their contexts.. my spiritual dad JTW, my bffs, my bf, and many others I’ve met and meet in this season ❤ When I’m in a funk or my flesh is weak and worldly, and I’m just feeling really.. well, like a hot mess, I have to remember this truth I read int he Song of Songs bible study I’m going through:

Weak love is not false love. (I added: And there is nothing wrong with weak love. Love is love is love.)

Though make no mistake, God = love does not equal love = God, because we have a incomplete understanding of love in this world (and in this culture, especially). But thank Jesus, God IS love. To know and grow in love, we must know and grow in God.

Love is a spiritual reality, act, and commitment.

We cannot fully love until our spirits are awake. But through Christ’s ultimate act of sacrificing Himself for each and all of us, our spirits are awakened by the Ru’ach breath in True Love’s Kiss (Jesus’ Truth and Word spoken to our heart, mind, soul, and spirit). And as spiritually awakened beings, we can begin to grow in True Love by receiving the Father’s Love, the love of the Bridegroom King Jesus, and the love the Spirit of God imparts to us in and with Power.

It takes the supernatural to love fully and well, in a consistent manner.

Good insights from walking more closely with Jesus and with my inner circle of beloved brothers & sisters.. I am grateful and surrendered to whatever God wants to do.

Yay 🙂 I love it. I am loved. And I love Him back ❤

Day 6 of 40

Today, I have volunteering at KCCD with the amazing HI, on an exciting event in DC in just two months. I hope to get a significant amount of work done as I’ve been sick, then busy with other PT jobs for two weeks. Catch up like crazy time!!!

My prayer is to stay focused on the in-dwelling presence of the Holy Spirit as I work, to remain in a posture of prayer, not let stress or pressure get the best of me, and to serve joyfully as unto the Lord.

God, You are my hiding place. You always fill my heart with songs of deliverance whenever I am afraid. I will trust in You!

Recap: Day 5 of 40 (Pt. 2)

Yesterday was good. I got it in my spirit, “I am dark but lovely,” and that truth has been sinking in gradually, digging a well of deep joy in my heart. How I enjoy the Song of Songs! (LS also lent me Watchman Nee’s book on it to look through as I continue my studies from a booklet I got years ago at IHOP-KC. I’m excited to compare the two!)

I got to SY late yesterday, but enjoyed helping and cleaning. Little Jeff smiled at me for the first time yesterday!!! His big sister Brit has gotten too adept at scaring me – usually when I’m vacuuming, lol~^^ The volunteers are given special snacks and I was a tiny bit sad I couldn’t eat the yummy muffins, but on the same token, I’m happy that I wasn’t overly tempted. It’s getting better, my attachment to sweets and junk food. Food overall. Give me Jesus, He is my Daily Bread!

I made spaghetti squash w/tomato sauce (and by made, I mean I baked, microwaved, sautéed, and puréed, nothing fancy) and though it didn’t taste amazing, the process was relaxing and pleasant, and I was pleased to have cooked healthy (even vegan friendly) food for myself. Go me!

One cool moment yesterday was actually sitting in a web mtg with my “didi” PC at a quaint little cafe in Pasadena, and just working together. It was quick, efficient, mostly focused, but fun because it was also meaningful and with my good friend! I’m very proud of PC and adore his wife ELC, they’re such a dynamic duo ❤ Their wedding was off the hook wonderful and anointed, and I cannot wait to see how their marriage & ministry unfold. So glad I get to see them every Sunday at church!!!

I'm also super happy that my junior high school friend JCT and family are back in CA and we've connected so her BFF NC is living with me. It keeps us all connected and we also attend Epicentre together – it's really great to worship & fellowship as part of the same church. Special.

So much to be grateful for, so much good work to get done. Hi-ho! Bless the Lord, o my soul!

Day 5 of 40 (Pt. 1)

I really like Wednesdays now, because it’s halfway to the weekend, and I’ve chosen it as my day in LA. I get to see the beautiful SAY Yes kids, watch LS do his amazing thing w/the little ones, help out here and there, pray for kids, and also spend time with my lil sis in the city, AS. She goes by “Mrs. Stark,” even in her signature! Hilarious girl, I tell you.

We’re praying for her to get her DACA in, keep up her grades, get into college (CSULA, a UC, or Pepperdine), and to stay close with God as she navigates being a young woman of faith in the Pico Union neighborhood. Not an easy thing to do, especially when you have a past behind you that you can’t seem to run away from. I feel for the girl because she reminds me a lot of myself, and it’s been encouraging to see all that God has done in her heart and in her life. We both pray it influences all her family members, especially her four younger siblings, and the only boy, whom I’ll call little Superman. Because he wishes he was, just to protect his beloved big sis AS. They’re so attached to each other that people think he’s her son. He may as well be! 🙂

So last night, Day 4 of 40, Papa JTW took me out to dinner in Burbank (because I really didn’t want to drive all the way out to LA again, just for two hours 😛 And the gas is starting to add up!) at a neat little Mediterranean place called “Healthy Bites.” We enjoyed a strawberry spinach salad and a falafel plate, yummy vegetarian food! I always feel refreshed after spending time w/my dad in the city, because I know I can be 100% authentic, no BS, whatever-Hannah Lee-is-like-at-the-moment, and not bug or confuse him too much. He just tends to accept me and receive me lovingly and prayerfully as I am, and blow me away with these deep questions and insights about life and the Spirit’s movements. And that is why I’ve tagged him as my spiritual dad ^_^ We talked about recent drama in my life and he encouraged me to just let myself drift out on the ocean of my emotions, trusting that God will guide me and be with me, wherever it leads me. *Scary* But I agree that it’s probably necessary.

After dinner, we walked a few blocks and walked into a great Italian market & restaurant called Monte Carlo’s / Pinocchio’s that had a gelato bar, Italian deli, market, and a great selection of Italian baked goods! Papa J bought his wife (my profesora favorita at Fuller) 10 chocolate covered biscotti for $0.75 each, and was so kind to the man helping us. It’s funny, when we were in line, the lady helping us before treated us as if we weren’t together – of course, she assumed the little Asian girl was not together with the tall biracial African American man 😛 Meh. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but I always am, and a little irked, too.

Assumptions can suck.

Ever heard that line? “Don’t assume. Because then you make an ASS out of U + ME.”

Get it? 😛 (excuse my “french.”)

Anyhoo, the drama from yesterday has been placed in a little shoebox, per my bff RCL’s recommendation, and given to Jesus for safekeeping until I’m ready to engage it more effectively.

For now, I just need to get to work. #1 on my relationship w/God by spending quality time in His word, prayer & worship, and #2 on my relationships w/my family members, and #3 on my relationships with my part-time job bosses by doing work-work.

Yes, life for me is primarily relational.

What does the day hold? I do not know, but I trust it will be good because God is there ahead of me.

Take Heart!

Be Strong

LS sends me these nifty little graphic designed bible verses via text and email ❤ It makes me stop, slow down as I read, and appreciate the words more, somehow! I’m grateful for these (yay for artists & designers!), and I’m grateful for my godly bf who leads me to read the Word more deeply. I also love mint green ^_^